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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself