My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
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What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…