I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
our love story in four pictures
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?