next question.
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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.