“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
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A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Are you ok, human???
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.