When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned