The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
You Might Also Like
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
📽️movie date🎞️
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.