My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
You Might Also Like
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
This took me a second..
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Don’t forget to tip your server
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??