In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
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3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I feel attacked.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
you gotta be faster
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon