Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
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Traveler’s camo
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
no refunds
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
This January has 47 Mondays
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food