Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”