DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
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This will never not be funny 😭
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
so this horse walks into a bar
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.