‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
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Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses