I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
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until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
God has abandoned us.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.