Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
You Might Also Like
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I’ll be mad as hell!
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.