I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
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You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year