Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
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Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Whoa 😂
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.