“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
don’t be scared
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”