me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Planet of the Apps.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined