My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
oh shit
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*