My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
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[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em