Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we鈥檝e already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) 鈥k yeah that鈥檚 what i THOUGHT
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 馃槶馃槶 am I doing this wrong
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Apparently they don鈥檛 want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
The Beatles: 馃幎 lend me your ears and I鈥檒l sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go