I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?