“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Goodnight 🐶
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.