A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that