1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
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nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO