Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Sorry. Not sorry
🤣🤣🤣
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.