ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
OKAY DAD
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn鈥檛 count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I鈥檓 a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
mom: I don鈥檛 like Alexa, why can鈥檛 people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏
[lights go out]
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you鈥檙e back early
jeff bezos: moon鈥檚 unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon鈥檚 unionized
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Interviewer: What鈥檚 your biggest weakness?
Me: I don鈥檛 know when to quit.
Interviewer: You鈥檙e hired!
Me: I quit.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*