*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
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why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004