Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
The Joker was right
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”