Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”