Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
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Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Sign at work today
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
それは草