[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs