*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
You Might Also Like
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus