My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
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14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It鈥檚 been 89 days since I last had sex
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind鈥檚 really pickin up
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 馃槶馃槀
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Delivering eulogy at o鈥檖ossum鈥檚 funeral: Before I start I鈥檇 like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Can鈥檛, I鈥檓 in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn鈥檛 use a Thanksgiving dish.
I鈥檇 totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.