*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.