[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.