My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
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Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Me My dog
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?