A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder