God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
You Might Also Like
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Is this a threat?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
me adding lol on a serious message
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree