*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
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Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.