Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
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[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
me when the borders lift
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Oh no
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Day 2 of my diet
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
181.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.