[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Everyone’s family
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.