It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Banderslack Clamberdorch