Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
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Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.