people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“How’s your day going?”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
i will not be silenced
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds