My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol