Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
The struggle is real.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.