SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Comparing yourself to others
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.