Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
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People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
courtroom exchange of the day
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
oh good, now I can stop drinking
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism